Belated Halloween Chat

(This session was provided by Steve Etheridge, a regular contributor.)

You: Halloweeeeeen!

Stranger: almooosttttttttttttt!

You: Gotta costume?

Stranger: not yet :[ do you?

You: Yeah, I’m going as deaf.

You: Or Elizabeth Smart.

You: I haven’t decided.

Stranger: do deaf!!!

You: Okay!!!

Stranger: okay!!

Stranger: hmmm

You: My daughter’s going as Elmer Fudd.

You: Should be pretty cute.

Stranger: awe!

Stranger: it shall be

You: We’re shaving her head this weekend so there’ll be a little peach fuzz by the 31st.

Stranger: awe that’s cute

You: Last year she went as the Tin Man.

Stranger: hiow old?

You: She’s five now.

You: But we dipped her in this amorphous tin alloy.  It wasn’t corrosive or anything.

You: Joint movement was a bit iffy. Had to help her up some stoops. But all in all — a great costume!

Stranger: :-[

Stranger: doesnt sound too great.

You: Yeah, but you weren’t there. Should’ve seen her as the stuffing at Thanksgiving. Thirty-pound turkey, with her shoved in head-first. Adorable.

Stranger: ummmmm that’s not right

You: Don’t coach me on how to be a father.

You have disconnected.

Non-Adventure Thursday: 5 Secs of Anonymouse Fame

Stranger: hi

You: Hello

You: !

You: Allow me to introduce myself.

Stranger: go on

You: My name is Cozumel Pangloss, famous artist.

You: Famous OMEGLE artist.

You: I’m guessing that you’ve heard of me.

Stranger: i havnt

Stranger: but go on

You: Oh.

You: Well, I do amazing things with slashes and dashes.

You: I make terrific pieces of art on your screen.

Stranger: bravo

You: Do you want a sample of my prowess?

Stranger: ascii arts, i really appreciate that

You: YES.

You: ASCII art.

You: You’re well versed.

You: Now sit back, relax, and enjoy this free display of my genius.

Stranger: thanks a lot kind gentleman

Stranger: i will

Stranger: indeed

You: Okay.

You: Now be quiet.

You: I’ll begin immediately.

You: * Cracks knuckles.

You: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////–//////////–///////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////–/////////\\\\\–/////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

You: \\\\\\\\\\///////////////////////////–//////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\–\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////////–/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\

You: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\–\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\–\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////–//////////////////–//////////////

You: \\\\\\\\\\\\–\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\–\\\\\\\\\\//////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////–//////////////////////////////–////////////

You: There.

You: It’s a man being sick on a commuter train from Newark.

Stranger: bravo!

You: Thank you, sir!

You: Impressive slash-control, wouldn’t you say?

Stranger: i like the symmetry and the places this symmetry breaks apart

Stranger: indeed

You: Yes, yes.

Stranger: it also looks like Spaghetti

Stranger: which i highly appreciate

You: That’s intentional, of course. Symbolic of the suburban ennui of another generation, meeting the frenetic jostling of our post-modern and media saturated contemporary existence, where life is dictated not by tangible traditions, but rather through binary information exchange.

You: Also, it’s reminiscent of spaghetti.

You: Which is what the man is throwing up.

Stranger: great, you should enjoy the works of xkcd

You: Munroe?

You: That upstart.

Stranger: it all adds up

You: My last name is Munroe, too!

You: There can be only one Munroe that rules the hearts of geeks.

You: And that shall be me.

Stranger: haha, ok pal… gtg, Germany here 6:14 am need sleep ^^ no offense

You: Oh, okay.

Stranger: but it was great

You: Who knew German’s were such lovers of art?

Stranger: make a blog about it ^^

Stranger: hehe

You: I have a blog about it.

Stranger: adress?

You: http://omeglesessions.wordpress.com

Stranger: ill bookmark

You: This chat will be featured.

You: Thanks for your participation.

Stranger: oh… i dont know if im comforable with that

You: TOO LATE.

You: Does it feel uncomfortable?

Stranger: nahh its ok

You: You did well.

You: Okay.

Stranger: 5 secs of anonymouse fame… i guess thats all i can expect

You: Agreed.

You: Well, thanks for your help.

Stranger: no problem it was a joy

Stranger: keep up the good work! Farewell

You: Good night!

You have disconnected.

Omegle Artist III

You: Hello.

Stranger: community, identity, stability

You: Are the three pillars of our sacred friendship!

You: Now to cry forth our stirring friendship yelp.

Stranger: I am an Alpha +

You: YIP YIP YIP YEEEAAHAHHEEEIIIIPPPPPPP!!!!!!

You: YIP YIP YIP YEEEAAAHHAAHHHIIIIIIIPPPPPP!!!!!!

You: YIP YIP YIP YEEEAASWSHHHHH!!!

Stranger: I is lost

You: And, finally, to affirm that yelp with a short ritual of fraternity:

You: * Pulls ear twice, touches nose, washes hands in a silver basin, kisses a calico portrait of Lucretia Mott.

You: Glad that’s done with!

You: Now, how have you been, old friend?

Stranger: I am well sir

Stranger: how are you

You: Doing well, doing very well.

You: I’m just gadding about Omegle, practicing my renowned craft, as usual.

You: Maybe you’ve heard of me.

Stranger: go on

You: My name is Cozumel Pangloss, the famous Omegle artist.

You: Ring a bell?

Stranger: no sir

Stranger: never heard of you

You: Well, that’s understandable.

You: I just took up art this week.  Since I learned about my wife and… well, never mind.

You: But I’d like to think that I’m making waves.

You: Soon I’ll be featured all over the world.

You: Because of my simple yet striking Omegle art, the art of the future.

You: I make beautiful pieces using only slashes and dashes.

Stranger: show me an art

You: WITH PLEASURE.

Stranger: art now plz

You: Hold now while I perform, please.

You: Don’t type.

You: * Cracks his knuckles.

Stranger: hello?

Stranger: are you going yet?

You: Shh.

You: Be patient, please.

You: It’s coming.

Stranger: im bored

You: I call this piece: “Sandwich, or When Will Wayne Theibaud Stop Sleeping With My Wife Susan?”

You: ———————–

You: \\\\\\\\\////

You: \\\\/////////

You: ———————-

You: End.

Stranger: thats it?

You: What do you mean, “thats it”?

You: Look at it!

You: What does it remind you of?

You: Painter Wayne Theibaud, of course!

You: His sweaty, amoral face – in perfect profile. Gainsborough couldn’t have rendered him with more skill. “thats it”, indeed! Pfft.

Stranger: it looks like you smashed your face into the keyboard a couple times

You: Yes, that’s my process exactly.

You: How did you know?

Stranger: community, identity, stability

You: YIP YIP YIP YAAAAAAUUUUOOOOGGGHHHHHHH-SOGGOTH!!!!

You: Well, better be off.

You: I have more people to awe.

Stranger: have a nice day sir

You: You, too. Thanks for your time.

Stranger: my pleasure

You have disconnected.

The Omegle Artist II

You: Hi.

Stranger: hi

You: Do you want to see some amazing art I can do with slashes and dashes?

Stranger: yes!

You: Okay.

You: \\\\\\\\\\\\///////\\\\\\\\/////////////

You: ——\\\\\\\\\\\\\\//////////////——-

You: \\\\——-///////\\\\\\\\\——–////

You: ———————————————————–

You: There.

You: It’s a German.

Stranger: wowzers

You: With a stern expression.

You: See it?

You: And sideburns.

Stranger: thats enough to make me drop my panties right now

You: Ah, I see you have a very sophisticated taste in art.

Stranger: yea

You: Anyone who can appreciate my amazing Omegle art deserves to be lauded.

You: * Kisses hand.

Stranger: aww *blush*

You: You are truly cultured.

You: Some day my Omegle art will hang on the walls of the Louvre!

You: MARK MY WORDS, MADAM.

Stranger: haha

You: Now erase your marks and return my words immediately.

Stranger: ic

You: I only have a few words to give out.

You: I can’t have them all marked.

Stranger: hmm

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Looks Like a Panda, Right?

You: Hey.

Stranger: yo?

You: Don’t write anything, I’m going to make awesome art using dashes and slashes.

You: Hold on.

You: Here we go.

You: /////

You: Wait.

You: Hold on.

You: I’m going to start again.

Stranger: thats it?

You: ////////////|||||||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

You: |||||||||||—————–|||||||||||

You: Darn.

You: I messed up.

You: Wait.

You: Hold on.

You: /////////////|||||||||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

You: |||||||||||||||||||||—————||||||||||||||||||||||

You: Wait.

You: Hold on.

You: //////////////////||||||||||||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

You: ||||||||||||||||||||———-||||||||||||||||||||||

You: Wait.

You: Hold on.

You: ////////////////////////||||||||||||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

You: That looks good.

You: OH.

You: Wait.

You: Hold on.

You: ////////////////////////////

You: That’s it.

You: I give up.

You: My friend showed me how to do it, but he’s not here.

Stranger: /applase

You: I’m a failure.

Stranger: its the effort that counts

You: I feel awful about myself.

Stranger: at least thats wat i think

Stranger: lol

You: I’m sorry for wasting your time.

You: I don’t even know what to say now.

Stranger: lolnp

You: I come from a broken home.

You: Mom drank.

Stranger: well call it even if u can reccomend me any awesome hawt smexy girsl

You: Ah.

You: Let’s see.  Smexy, smexy… hmm.

You: From television or film?

Stranger: lol

You: Or in real life?

Stranger: no…

Stranger: realy

Stranger: loll

You: Oh, okay.

You: Let’s see.

You: Do you know this girl Becki Feinbeck?  Because I heard she went all the way with Skip Weeb behind the gym shed.

You: Wait, where do you live?

Stranger: lol

Stranger: in HK

You: Wait.

You: Hold on.

You: //////////////////////|||||||||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Stranger: is she hawt?

You: Oh, dude.

Stranger: o sry

You: Stop typing.

Stranger: k

You: //////////////////////||||||||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

You: ||||||||||||||||||||||||———-||||||||||||||||||||||||||

You: Wait.

You: Hold on.

You: ///////////////////////|||||||||||||||||||\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

You: |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||——————–|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

You: \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\||||||||||||||||||//////////////////////

You: YES.

You: It looks like a panda, right?

Stranger: how

Stranger: oh

Stranger: a litttle i guess

Stranger: lol

You: CHALK ONE UP FOR THE OMEGLE ARTIST.

You: I WIN.

You: Frankly, I feel better about myself.  I feel like I’m a better person than you now.  Idiot.

You: Thanks so much for being patient, asshole.

Stranger: dun wry

Stranger: when ppl diss me

Stranger: im patien and wait for them to finsih

You: This just goes to show that patience and faith in other people’s efforts pays off in the end, douchebag.

Stranger: then i cut there intestines out and eat it all up

You: Waahhh!!

You have disconnected.

Adventures in Inappropriate Marketing

Stranger: Hi there, I’m a 20 years old man coming from France.

You: Hello. I’m Gus Brache, a marketing consultant. Can I ask you a few questions?

Stranger: of course

You: Great!

Stranger: as you wish

You: My client is looking to speak with a few late-teens, early twenty-somethings.

You: Do you fit in that age range?

You: Oh, I note that you’re from France.

You: That’s perfect.

Stranger: Told you my age before :p

You: Sorry.

You: It’s been a long night.

Stranger: I see…

You: So, my client is a major soft drink company.

You: I was wondering if I could bounce a new flavor / idea off of you.

You: See if they seem “hip” to you.

You: Is that okay?

Stranger: few minutes please , I’m trying to understand your sentence

You: That’s okay.

You: Take your time.

You: The Brache Concern, my marketing firm, appreciates your involvement!

Stranger: what does ” See if they seem “hip” to you. ” mean?

Stranger: I don’t understand it very well

You: Oooh, wow.  I’m not sure if the French understand the meaning of “hip.”

You: Like, acting or looking “cool”?

Stranger: It make thanks

Stranger: So what are you exactly expecting to me ?

You: Well, we’re trying to develop a brand of soda based off of Cormac McCarthy’s novel, Blood Meridian.

You: Have you read it?

Stranger: of course, not

You: Oh, right, right. The French thing.

You: That’s okay!

You: Just tell me, when I say “a new blood-red soda called ‘Apache Scalp,’” what’s your immediate reaction?

You: What do you think?

Stranger: Hmm.

You: It’s a thick, red, syrupy power drink.  A bit reminiscent of blood.  Kind of spicy, kind of sweet, tart.  Possesses a “savage” energy.  A hot beverage that one guzzles down with the same feverish joy one would the very life-essence of a loathed enemy.

Stranger: You’re doing a pretty hard work thought, but it’s a nice idea to take summary from omegle, I think I had never think about this way to do it

You: No, we get GREAT results here!

You: We’re tapping into the heart of the teenage market.

You: Do you know how hard it is to understand teenagers?

Stranger: Thought is pretty old-fashioned

You: Wait, you think Apache Scalp is pretty old fashioned?

Stranger: this is my opinions, not necessary everyone’s one

You: Well, I didn’t even get to the best part.  On the top of the can of soda, there’s a black tin covering — like a scalp — that you can tear off before drinking, and collect.

Stranger: This one make a better sense for the name.

You: And if you get enough Apache Scalp scalps, you can turn those in for prizes.

You: Like a plush doll Judge Holden.

You: And other great stuff.

You: So how does that sound?

You: Cormac McCarthy is really excited about this.

Stranger: Think it sounds good

You: Excellent!

You: That’s so encouraging.

You: I’m going to write that down.

You: You’re the second French person I’ve spoken to this week that’s thought it’s a good idea.

You: Most don’t like it.

Stranger: depending to the publicity managing ( don’t exactly words to get it )

You: On the other hand, I can’t tell you how many Germans LOVE it.

You: Absolutely LOVE the idea.

Stranger: French people is pretty difficult to convince

You: Yes.

Stranger: and pretty near their money

You: Like the Scottish!

You: I’m of Scottish descent, so I can make that joke.  You can’t.

Stranger: I think , if you do a great ironical, and fun publicity campain about it, it may works

You: Oh, we will.  Don’t worry.

Stranger: don’t get into classical ways, teens don’t pay attention to it

You: The Blood Meridian Marketing Campaign is going to be hilarious.

Stranger: it have to be fun, in order to be consider

You: It will be!

You: Like collecting and trading scalps.

You: Right?

Stranger: Maybe :p

You: For money and prizes?

Stranger: See much like a nice slogan

Stranger: with funny indian on picture

You: Yes!

You: A funny Apache.

You: But also a savage Apache.

You: And some of the cans — this is the best part.

You: Some of the cans will show non-Apache and even Mexican people!

You: But you can still scalp them!  Their scalps look just the same!

You: You can use their scalps to trade for money and prizes, too!

You: How great is THAT?

Stranger: Have you an concept work of it?

You: We do.

You: But it’s not open to the public.

Stranger: It may be easier for me to give you my opinion

Stranger: I understand.

You: I also can’t tell you the name of the soft drink company involved.

You: But it’s a major one.

You: Very, very major.

Stranger: like Coca cola ?

Stranger: :p

You: I can’t say!

Stranger: Hmm not so easy to trick :p

You: Look for it.

You: You rascal!

Stranger: Thought you do your job well

You: Thank you.

You: Remember: Blood Meridian.

You: Collect Apache Scalps.

Stranger: Sounds like Redbull don’t you think?

You: Woops!

You: ha ha ha

You: No comment!

Stranger: Get it, promise, I will not say anything :p

You: Thank you so much.

You: Now when the drink brand comes out, you can say: I helped make this happen!

You: I, a Frenchman, helped that American company make millions and millions of US dollars — for nothing in return!

You: Isn’t that great?

Stranger: Yeah, I want my name broadcoasted !

Stranger: I’m joking ^^

You: ha ha

You: Well, okay. I’ve got to keep going.

You: But thank you so much for your help.

You: Bon jurvz.

Stranger: Thank you too

Stranger: Be brave in you works, I believe in you and your new drink

You have disconnected.

1Z H4R0LD BL00M G10NG 70 R173 A BK 0N 7H1Z CH47 LOLZ?

You: Do you live in the Ukraine?

Stranger: no i live in USSR

You: Oh, even better.

You: Do you know Pushkin?

Stranger: No but i can fly

You: Pushkin died in a duel.

You: I want to die in a duel.

You: Dying of old age is for chumps.

Stranger: *KILLS IN DUEL*

You: * Gurgling blood. Death throws.

You: I died like a champion….

You: * Dead.

Stranger: u did

Stranger: i iz in ur funeral

Stranger: stealin all ur tearz

You: * Comes back as a ghost.

Stranger: FUCK ITS KING HAMLET

You: * Looks under the skirts of all his attractive cousins.

You: ERM — HAMLET.

You: HARKON TO MY VOICE.

Stranger: Ummmm…. I iz need to reads playboys kay?

You: FORSOOTH, I WAS HAXX0R3D BY UR UNKL3.

Stranger: OH NOOEEEE

Stranger: HHHHAAAAAXXXXX

Stranger: I will kn33 him in the p3n0r

You: P01Z0N3D N 7H3 34R.

Stranger: ROFL FIST HIS FACE

You: PWN H1M 4 ME PLZ LOL.

Stranger: I willz n0w spr3ad mai wordz via solil0qu1

You: PS I THINK GILD3NS7ERN N R0Z3NKR47Z R G4Y0RZ.

You: C4R3FUL.

Stranger: Iz willz

You: * Floats away…

Stranger: I heards they hazz0r3d keyboard cat

You: * Comes back to take one more look at his cousins’ panties.

You: LOLZ.

You: * Floats away.

Stranger: lolz

Stranger: oh shit

Stranger: FUCK

Stranger: FUCK

Stranger: ALLIGATORS AGAIN

You: Where?

Stranger: AAHHHHHHHH FUCK

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Surprise: It Was Chicken Barley

You: Hey!

You: Guess what time it is?

Stranger: hey

Stranger: wat?

Stranger: : D

You: Time for soup.

You: \_/

You: There it is.

Stranger: thank youu:D

You: DRINK IT.

You: I WILL WATCH FROM AFAR.

You: * Peers in from next room.

You: (whispering) Drink… drink… drink up… slurp up… your soup… drink it…

You: ….

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

You’re SURE It’s Not Burma?

Stranger: wtf

You: You know what’s awesome about pancakes?

You: Answer: everything.

You: Hey!

Stranger: ho

You: Do they have pancakes in your distant land?

Stranger: yes

You: What are they called?

Stranger: pancakes

You: Amazing.

You: Are you from Burma?

Stranger: nope

You: Am I close?

Stranger: nope

You: Thailand?

You: Qatar?

Stranger: nope

You: Cote du Ivory?

You: Chile?

Stranger: nope

You: Nicaragua?

You: Bulgaria?

You: Am I getting warmer?

You: Bulgaria, isn’t it?

Stranger: nope

You: Oh.

You: El Salvador?

Stranger: no

You: Greece?

Stranger: no

You: Ukraine?

Stranger: no

You: Sweden?

Stranger: no

You: Finland?

Stranger: nope

You: France?

Stranger: nope

You: Portugal?

Stranger: no

You: French New Guinea?

Stranger: no

You: Pago Pago?

Stranger: no

Stranger: u knwo a lotof countries

You: And you said you weren’t from Burma, right?

You: Hm.

You: Korea?

You: Japan?

Stranger: no

You: Mongolia!

Stranger: where r u from

You: America.

Stranger: u shud be able to guess

Stranger: its rather obvious

You: Oh, okay.

You: I know it now.

You: Argentina.

Stranger: no

You: Uruguay?

Stranger: nope

You: Nigeria?

Stranger: no

You: Swaziland?

Stranger: no

You: Napal?

Stranger: no

You: Are you sure you don’t live in Burma?

Stranger: yep

You: China?

Stranger: no

You: Peru?

Stranger: no

You: Estonia?

Stranger: no

You: Latvia?

Stranger: no

You: Haiti?

Stranger: no

You: Guatemala?

Stranger: no

You: Norway?

Stranger: nope

You: Vatican City?

Stranger: no

You: Sri Lanka?

Stranger: no

You: Belarus?

Stranger: no

You: Wait, I know.

You: Laos.

Stranger: no

You: Turkey?

Stranger: no

You: Israel?

Stranger: no

You: Saudi Arabia?

Stranger: no

You: Iran?

Stranger: no

You: The People’s Republic of Congo?

Stranger: no

You: Egypt?

Stranger: no

You: Morocco?

Stranger: no

You: Guam?

You: GUAM.

Stranger: no

You: Oh.

You: Switzerland?

Stranger: no

You: Austria?

Stranger: no

You: Croatia?

Stranger: no

You: I’ve said Burma already, right?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Adventures in Exo-Species Matchmaking

Stranger: you gibbering shoggoth

You: How did you know that I own a shoggoth?

Stranger: excellent.

You: That’s beside the point. My son Jacob, who is currently looking for a mate, comes from a long line of Elder Ones.

Stranger: is he an elder god?

You: Yes, he is.  So am I.

Stranger: wow!

Stranger: Cthulhu?!

You: NO — ELDER GOD.  My gracious!  I simply hate when people mistake us for Cthulhu, that boor.  We wake only to eviscerate enemies with razor sharp claws.  He sleeps in deep slumber under the Pacific Ocean, casting his nightmares upon the world.  Understand the difference?

Stranger: yes, of course. im so sorry.

You: Ever since we moved from the Antarctic to Akron, Ohio, Jacob’s been acting like a little madman.  He needs a mate, a helpmeet.  That’s why I’m on Omegle.

Stranger: I understand that.  tell me about your pets

You: We have a dog and a cat, both species from beyond the rim.

You: They’re not actually  what you would consider a “dog” or “cat.”

Stranger: really?!

You: One’s a shoggoth and the other’s a large, fungoid, insect-like creature called a Mi-Go.

Stranger: how ghastly!

You: Indeed.  It’s enough to drive a grown man insane.

You: Gibbering insanity the minute you open the door to our two bedroom semi-detached condo.

Stranger: condo?

You: We lease.

Stranger: uh…

You: In any event, Jacob is really getting to be too much.

You: I think he needs a wife.

Stranger: hum!

You: I hate to be forward, but would you consider marrying an Elder God?

You: We’re decent providers.  Family-oriented.  Devout in our piety to Shub-Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.  (You’d have to convert, by the way, but that’s something we can discuss later.)  Interested?

Stranger: It would be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

You: There’s the tricky issue of inter-species sex.

You: It’s sort of… complicated?

Stranger: ahh

You: But doable!

You: Definitely doable.

You: But not pleasurable for the “receiving” party.

You: Just putting that on the table.

You: In fact, it’s horrible.  It’s the most horrific thing you’ll ever experience, both physically and psychically.  Yet still better than watching Dana Carvey in Master of Disguise, oddly enough.

Stranger: I wonder what our child shall look like

You: You really want to know?

Stranger: maybe not

You: Like Louie Anderson.

You: He’s half Elder God.

You: You can tell because of his barrel shape and horrible complexion.

Stranger: I have no idea as to who that is.

You: Oh, hold on.

You: I’ll find a picture.

Stranger: excellent

You: Here you go: http://www.virtualtahoe.com/playground/Entertainers/LouieAnderson.jpg

Stranger: Jesus Christ

You: Yes, I’m sorry I had to expose you to that.

Stranger: yes

Stranger: maybe we should adopt

You: But, on the plus side, once you reach old age, your brain and brain stem will be gouged from your skull, put into a small metallic canister, and shot into space.

You: You’ll never die.

Stranger: that’s wonderful!

You: Instead, you’ll spend the rest of your life on our home planet.

You: In a factory warehouse full of other brain canisters.

You: To be plugged in when we need information from you.

Stranger: but then how can I be the wife of an Elder God?

You: Like a good recipe for macaroni salad.

Stranger: If I am trapped in a canister

You: Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll come to see you on bank holidays.

Stranger: seems rather useless if you ask me.

You: Maybe you can be put into a robot body.

You: You never know.

You: It’s happened.

Stranger: I see

You: I like you, though. I think you’d make my Jacob very happy.

Stranger: I’m flattered

You: He’d stop spanking our shuggoth.

Stranger: don’t anger the shoggoth

You: Oh, they’re lovable scamps.

You: They get a bad rap.

You: Very sweet things.

You: Just not to humans.

Stranger: terrible reputation

Stranger: ahh

You: But I’m sure you’ll get along great with Gus.

You: That’s the shuggoth’s name.

Stranger: Gus?!

Stranger: That’s is terribly dull!

You: So, where should we set up a date?

You: Do you live in Ohio?

Stranger: Actually, Maine.

You: Come to Akron for a weekend.

Stranger: I will be looking forward to it with all my heart.

You: How old are you?

You: Have you reached the age of prime fertility?

Stranger: 17 I hope you don’t mind terribly

You: Oh, 17 is perfect.

Stranger: I’d say so

You: Welp, good beans!

Stranger: beans?

You: I look forward to introducing you to my son.

Stranger: It shall be a pleasure

You: Now I must get back to vivisecting my mailman.

You: Ta ta!

Stranger: cheerio!

You have disconnected.